Five Months Old

Wow. Nicholas is 5 months old. I have meant hundreds of times before to write about him, but he does occupy quite a bit of my time. I wanted to write about the first times he smiled at me. How I felt like he and I were in on a big secret the first time he melted my heart with his little grin, how I now believe that Motherhood causes your heart to enlarge infinitely and your brains to shrink in inverse proportions. How blessed I am that I have a healthy baby, and how blessed I am that I have a good baby. How it almost brings tears to my eyes when his eyes connect with mine and he smiles with all his heart. How awful I felt when I saw tears form in his eyes for the first time. How absolutely powerless I felt when he was in pain or sick, and there was nothing I could do but love him. How I feel like a milk cow, now that I now know what breasts are really for. How I would do ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING for him.

I had an epiphany when he was about two or three months old one morning, as we were lying in bed: I can not believe that my mother loved me this much. She must still love me this much. Wow. That makes so much sense. I can't believe she has taken my crap for so long. I see everyone in a different light now. My heart is bigger, and compassion is still overflowing. I even think of my dad when he was Nicholas' age, how much his mother must have loved him. My paternal grandmother lost two of her three children in childhood. I would imagine that would kill me dead. I never met her, but I can only imagine how strong a person would be able to survive something like that. See, even now I have to put thoughts like that out of my mind so I don't break down.

I read in the paper about all of these families that needed help during the Holiday season. A family would be listed, and their wish list of sorts would follow. Most of the things they wanted were just what you or I would consider basic necessities, like a new air conditioner or a nebulizer for an asthmatic child. I couldn't even read them all becaue I was ready to clean out my bank account trying to help them. I can't thank God enough for giving me the most valuable and important gift possible, the health of my child. I can only love him as much as I can and try to make the best choices for him. May God grant me the strength I will need.

Okay, enough of that. Here are the good things: Nicholas just rolled over for the first time yesterday. He's a little late in comparison to his "peers," but he's a very heavy baby, so it was pretty difficult for him to sling all of that weight over his center of gravity. I can't believe he is already 5 months old! I've known him for almost half a year!

His new thing is squawking like a bird. He mostly does it in inhalations. He loves to squawk, and he's gotten pretty good and loud about it. If you do it back to him, he'll "answer" you, so it's pretty easy to get into a screech-fest with him. He just seems to be enjoying the exploration of his voice, which is really funny. It is not funny, however, when he does it at 5 in the morning. He's been waking up (and going to sleep) earlier, and his new greeting is pretty loud. Until now, he would always just open his eyes and grunt a little. I would hear him or feel him squirming around, and I would open my eyes to his wide awake face right there.

He is still sleeping with us. I've tried the last two nights to put him in his own room, but honestly, I haven't tried very hard. I did begin feeding him rice cereal last night in the hopes that he would stay asleep longer. I put him in his crib at about 9, but he woke up at 11:30 wanting to nurse. I don't really believe that he wanted to nurse because he was hungry, but rather just for comfort. We had a few people over, so when I brought him downstairs, he was too interested in the activity in the house to really stay asleep. When I tried to put him back in his crib, it was a No Go. I brought him to bed with me to nurse, hopefully until he fell asleep so I could put him back in his own bed. Well, I beat him to sleep, so once again he spent the entire night with us. I'll try again tonight.

I was going to feed him rice cereal again this morning, but I couldn't really justify it. I want to breastfeed for a year or so, and I feel like if I rush him into eating three squares a day, he won't want to nurse. I don't want to put him on formula. I think that for now, I'll just stick to the evening cereal/food feedings in the hopes that it will allow him to sleep for a longer period of time.

I do love sleeping with him. He's such a little snuggle bug. I love to put his little (big) legs up on my legs as I kind of spoon around him. He's so soft and squishy, and he just smells so wonderful. Honestly, I haven't tried very hard to get him to sleep in his own room. Now that I have his crib in a safer place, I've eliminated another excuse to not let him sleep alone. (It was underneath a vent that was blowing some sort of dust onto his sheets... I can't let my baby sleep under that. I'm going to have someone come out here and clean those ducts out, pronto.) I am going to try harder, and hopefully by the end of this week he'll be snoozing in his crib solo. I will be so sad.

His new favorite thing is biting my chin. He's teething, so I know it probably feels good to him, but it does not feel good to me. Although he doesn't have any teeth yet, his jaws are very strong. That hurts. He grabs hold of my hair (from behind my neck), and he pulls me into him in order to bite me. This is one strong little baby! The hair pulling really, really hurts. Sometimes, if he can't grab my hair, he'll go for my ear. That hurts too, and I'm very afraid that he's going to rip my earring out (my new diamond earring, thank you JohnStewart).
He's currently sleeping his his swing in front of the tv. He was watching one of his Baby Einstein videos, and he finally just conked out. He's holding a chilled teething ring tightly, but he never put it to his mouth. I think he's about to wake up. The squirming has begun. See, in the past, I would have taken these few minutes that I have spent writing this to take a bath or clean the kitchen. Today is New Year's Eve, so I think it was entirely appropriate that I took this opportunity to reflect on this year and the single most important thing that has ever or may ever happen to me. I would really like to have another baby, but I may not be in agreement with the other necessary party on that subject. JohnStewart says "one and done," but I think he is mostly teasing me. I want Nicholas to have a sibling that he loves as much as John loves his brother. I want him to have someone to play with and someone to idolize him (besides me). I'm ready now. Honestly, I was ready ten minutes after he was born. I'm sure that if his birth hadn't been as perfect and easy as it was I'd probably be singing a different tune, but I want to experience this joy once more.

Wide awake baby.

Happy New Year to you all. May you be blessed as much as John and I are.